onesparkstartsthefire
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Yooo. Many Annyeonghasaeyos from Valencia Wu-Kim Su!
Say hi to the most introverted person with the most abnormal thoughts.:D
There are many important things in life, but Music is one of my greatest love!
I LOVE MY HUSBANDS-
♥ARRON WU GENG LIN
♥KIM HYUNG JUN, 김형준
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    Self
    Saturday, August 29, 2015 @ 11:12 AM

    The longer you know someone, the more you know him,

    the harder you try to understand him, the more determined you fight to accomodate him, the more insistent you are to defend him, the more you wish he'd see what you're doing for him.

    the less you dare to expect of him, the meeker your heart is in questioning him, the milder you force your heart to feel anything, the weaker your strength to live for things that aren't him.

    Yet it's time through troubled waters and lonely night skies that I learn to find myself again. When was the last time I stopped in my tracks to do something not for him but for myself? If status quo has been so insignificant for him, why continue? It's pointless; I'm worthless. All these while I believed so deeply that I was making a difference, changing his life for the better, but guess everything boils down to nil. He doesn't need me. Much less want. In his life I am merely a distant cloud, floating inconspicuously in the backdrop. If there's any impact this cloud makes, it's probably to provide a little bit of shade to the sunny day. A little. Nothing extraordinary. This is the way it is.

    Took me some time to realize all these. Funny how it never occurred to me why feelings of inferiority and unworth always engulf me. So this is what happens when one gets too committed. Too absorbed. Too dedicated. Two. Two? Not really at all. Just one. One and a fraction.

    I need to find the rest of me. Retrieve myself before I get lost, permanently. Please Lord, guide me and show me Your way.

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    Friday, August 28, 2015 @ 5:17 PM

    My mum used to remind me over and over again, "Find someone who loves you more than you love him.".

    I should have listened.
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    Lesson for the broken hearted
    Monday, November 10, 2014 @ 1:09 PM

    Had a rather fruitful and insightful conversation with a church friend yesterday. I guess ponderance alone all these while could only reap a limited amount of understanding, and I'm really glad that through verbalizing my thoughts to another person, I've found some sort of light shed unto the issues that I'm facing. 

    I'd never thought that a relationship can be so complicated. Always assumed that once two have found each other, sparks flying, chemistry building, everything will somehow just fall into place. Of course I never expected that everything will be smooth-sailing and fight-free, but it is being in one that makes me truly discover what a bumpy ride it can be. 

    But what I really internalized from the discussion yesterday was that, as the female party of the relationship, it is more often that not that she gives herself in her entirety to the other half. Every single decision she makes in her life, large or trivial, is concluded with ultimate consideration of her partner. And every aspect of her schedule revolves around him, to just lift him up and make him the most comfortable and satisfied person that she can possibly make him. If there is anything on her mind, it always boils down to him and that's just completely natural. In fact, it's wonderful, in her eyes, to be thinking about him all the time. 

    But therein lies the creepy element of expectation. I never thought I was someone wielding a sword of expectation and placing it at the neck of my other half with every single act I do for him. And truly I view such a perspective with great disapproval, because it is honestly rather hateful to be the unreasonable and demanding partner of a person. It's torturous and debilitating for both sides. But after all these while I do think, upon deep reflection and contemplation, that I might have unconsciously and secretly imposed such expectations on him. With every extra mile I go out of the way to serve him and better him, I think I might have inevitably hoped or anticipated that he would at least respond with a certain type or level of joy or appreciation. Just so I'd feel loved, just so I'd gain approval -- from the person I love so deeply. It's the little things like knowing that that someone actually knows of your efforts, your hard work, your awareness of his needs, and that your time and thoughts are translating into actual goodness, that makes me feel like I'm worth it. That whatever I do isn't futile or even worse, superfluous. I realized, actually since quite some time ago, that I absolutely despise feeling like a nuisance. I hate being a burden or trouble of any form, and with special regards to me actively doing an act that turns out to be unnecessary and just a total hindrance to someone else, I become exceptionally hurt and annoyed with myself. Unfortunately, when such feelings arrive, I transpose them to my other half too. Somehow the feelings start to target him, and I begin to question why things that I do out of goodwill and voluntary kindness are not only unappreciated by him, but treated with such disdain and unacceptance. It's as if the pureness and joy that motivated my actions are suddenly thought by him to be tainted with ill intent on my part. And it's that feeling that hurts most. Feeling misunderstood. Having my actions misconstrued. 


    Thoughts accumulate and each passing moment gets shittier, crappier -- and he doesn't know it. Because I try to be kind. I try to be understanding and patient, to sweep such thoughts away because I know that what I'm presuming is false. That he completely doesn't intend for me to feel this way. That guys, being guys, are just naturally more abrasive, passive in expression, insensitive....or maybe I'm just over-sensitive. And perhaps, I just expect more..., too much. Yet I feel horrible. He does not understand that I don't do things for him out of habit, out of selfish love for myself, out of personal satisfaction. He does not know that every single thing I do for him I plan to the most minute detail every single time, and that I care for him exceedingly more than I care for myself. He does not know that for each act I do, I do with special attention. These aren't routines, habitual acts that have somehow integrated into my schedule. They aren't like brushing my teeth in the morning, or cleaning my spectacles every evening. They aren't things that I do out of necessity, or personal gratification. Most importantly, they aren't acts of convenience... I most definitely do them for my benefit, because making him feel cared for and really caring for him makes me happy. But ultimately, it's being sure that he is alright, that the various aspects of his life are well and secured, that makes me feel that the day is complete.

    But much as I'm willing to continue working and giving behind the scenes, it honestly sucks to feel insignificant. To be taken for granted. To be part and parcel of a cycle of events that happen daily or weekly. To be present but not important. To just be there.. I really feel that because I've been giving constantly, consistently, at a maximal level all the time, I have slowly faded into the background of a once lovely and fresh foreground. It's like the second hand of the clock that keeps ticking such that only the minute or hour hands get noticed. 


    But here is where I guess it is appropriate to finally insert and share what I learnt and understood from the discussion from yesterday -- that to love is to be selfless. Love is selfless. For Jesus loved us all and never expected anything from us in return. Even in times of pain and the subject of hatred, He gave and gave and finally gave His life for us. In love, we do not think about ourselves. Nothing about how we feel about the other party's responses, reciprocation, presence of thankfulness. Because once we turn our minds to that, we start thinking about what we, personally, deserve -- i.e. feeling appreciated, feeling accepted, feeling like we have contributed. Love is completely, fully, wholeheartedly selfless. Even if we have given our all every single day, we do not hope, even the slightest bit, for anything in return. We must avoid planting that seed of hope in our hearts at all costs, because hope culminates in expectation, and expectation kills all purity in selfless love. I've learnt that not only is love selfless. But love is also kind. Immensely kind. In face of any sort of reaction or treatment by the other party, we return with kindness. Loving kindness that exceeds all understanding. Kindness breeds patience and endurance. And even though we feel unloved or uncared for, we continue to treat our partners with loving kindness. It is through a complete removal of expectation that we erase any possibility of ever feeling hurt, and it is though a perpetual giving of kindness that we can truly love to the fullest.

    So the most invaluable point I've taken home was that, truly, Love = Selflessness. I can never and must never proclaim to love a person if I'm not selfless. And the resolution that I've sought to make is to stop feeling negative emotions that only destroy me everyday, but feel happy for being able to love and sacrifice for someone who means the world to me, even if he does not know the thoughts of my mind.
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    #6 Wait for itttttt! (Long Post Ahead)
    Friday, May 09, 2014 @ 4:20 PM

    HIII RTF!

    This is the first post to you from me after my exams are overrrr! AND, Year 2 Sem 2 is finally over! Wow. Not really sure if I should be happy or not. Of course I am really glad I can halt studying, at least momentarily, but each day passes as I count down to the beginning of school again and when I have to do the same old mundane stuff. But I guess this time, the syllabus would be slightly different as well, especially since there would be specialization modules that I can choose from and which will determine the kind of industry I will most probably have to face in future. I haven’t exactly looked at the details and schedules of next semester’s courses, but I’ll leave that till when the summer break is ending. :X
    Anywayyyy, I am really more, much more, eggcited about your return! I can’t believe you are going to spend your entire Singapore-based summer holidays interning! :o It’s nearing the end of my first week of internship (just in about 3 hours!) and I’m already feeling so suffocated and bored… I guess that’s the downside of being an intern - someone who just isn’t that well-educated, well-equipped and prepared to handle the important and grave tasks of the lawyers and associates at real work. I have been shagged out too.. mainly because I haven’t had a full rest ever since exams ended. Let me recount for you..

    The last exam I had was on Public Law. It was exactly a week ago, Friday. Right after the paper I went to catch The Amazing Spidey 2, which made me really tired and headachey because it was unnecessarily intense and loud. The music used was super dubstep-ish and electric-clubbish, which is not a good idea after a tiresome exhausting paper. It was as if my brain cells weren’t worked hard enough during the paper, and I still had to sob a little when (Spoiler Alert!) Gwen Stacey died.. Generally, a headache set in 1/3 into the movie.
    The next day - Saturday - was a devastatingly painful day. Yes you know it - the period of horror (pun awfully intended). I went out with the mum to town area hoping to get a new phone for my sister and myself, and mid-way I decided to get a proper suit for myself (i.e. blazer and skirt as court attire). The pain got sooooooo horrible I was shivering and quivering in the goosebumps of my skin in the cold air-conditioned environment and I almost couldn’t stand. I was left squatting at the sides for a short while, then proceeding to other areas to find more comfort. Those attempts failed, of course, so I scurried over to the toilet where I found most comfort. I was at Ion Orchard, so the pleasant smells and the warmth of the toilet was really heartening. The only downside was the long journey from the shops to the toilet. I found myself going to and from the toilet 3 times in total. Each time, the pain just killed me again and again and I almost felt like fainting would be the best option. But I don’t faint. So, the next best alternative, although unintentional, was to sleep. And I actually fell asleep on the toilet bowl for a good 20 minutes. It got so bad that I really couldn’t carry on running my errands… So I went home without my mum first and crashed onto the floor for one whole hour the moment I got home.., because I was too in pain to walk to the sofa to sleep. When I awoke, I self-helped by distracting myself and baking up a storm in the kitchen. I really love baking..suddenly. Hahaha. I think it’s my female feminine hormones raging nowadays. Or just that I found a new interest! (Which means we gotta bake together soon, as I may repeat so many times)
    Sunday, I went to Cz’s church in the morning! The pain subsided much, but the remnants were still hogging my body, unfortunately. I could feel the strain in my womb… :S Anyway, it was a great day, and both of us went to catch Son of God (it’s a movie about the coming of Jesus, if you’ve not heard about it). It was a really great movie, showing bits and pieces of Jesus’ experiences and pilgrimages around Israel and spreading the Word to the Jews etc. It was rather superb, and most importantly, heart-breaking. I cried an ocean; tears kept streaming down my already swollen eyes throughout the second half of the movie and I really couldn’t help it. Cz was crying too.. (I could hear the sniffling and the wiping away of tears) Sigh.. You should go have a look if it’s available in the UK! (: I think you would be inspired as well. Then I continued to Penny University Café over at Bedok to meet up with Avril, Kelly and Yingling, to celebrate Avril’s birthday and conveniently pass over her present to her. It wasn’t the most comfortable place, because it was so crowded and we didn’t have a proper seat. Subsequently, I drove back to Greenwich to have dinner at Cz’s churchmate’s place. The food was wonderful (It was a potluck where everyone brought their own contribution) but I didn’t bring anything (for the better of my knowledge) T.T There was roasted beef, kueh pai ti, roasted chicken and potatoes, deviled eggs, chicken drumlets, bacon and ham pizza, and many many more. We also had homemade lemon meringue pastries baked by another churchmate of his. After the food we huddled around the dining table to play Sabotage II, all the way till about 11+pm. It was so late, my contact lenses were drying my eyes out, and my headache was pounding unendingly… But nonetheless it was a wonderful day….., and in a couple of hours I’d be in Raffles Place on my first day of internship. :X

    Monday: First day of “work” life. Got organized at my desk, met my mentor, found things to read and occasionally a bit of research to do. Generally still rather shagged out, but when clock struck 6pm, I had to make my way to Outram Park to have dinner with my hall-law friends. It’s at this obscure café called Unusual Palate. I saw the offer they advertised on Groupon and we decided to head there. Appetizers and soup were shabby, but our main courses (Steak with truffle fries and egg smothered beautifully on top - I shall show you the photo when you are done reading this and upon your request) was really up to scratch! It was really good. Also, we four shared a plate of Squid Ink Spaghetti. However, this one was forgettable…other than the blackened teeth we all had after the first bite, heheh. The portion for the steak meal was relatively huge. We spent about $140 in total, but with our $50 discount it was about $90. Subsequently, we went for drinks at The Wine Connection nearby…, and I was off to home at about 10+pm. Headache: still there.

    Tuesday: Another normal day at work. After work I went to the Introductory session of BSF with Cz and Vic. Saw Anna and her boyfriend along the way. The waiting list for girls is extremely long though - approximately 70 according to the lady. I don’t count on getting a spot anytime soon, but that’s fine with me because I’m not too sure if I’m willing to commit so intensively anyway. Give me a couple of months and I’ll probably be closer to deciding then. (:

    Wednesday: After work, I had to go celebrate my tutor’s birthday for dinner. The arranged place was Tanglin Mall. I always had the misconception that Tanglin = Tangs, so I was fine throughout the day. That was until I googled and realized they are two different places! Far from each other, in fact. Trained to Orchard to get her gift from Swarovski, and walked a couple of bus stops to get to this Tanglin mall, much to my pain and annoyance. That was because my ankle injury still plagues me.., and is actually getting worse for no recognizable reason. The walk didn’t do any good, sadly. Ate a lot of unhealthy food at Nando’s, fried chicken of all sorts, and fries and wedges etc etc. When we were done it was closing 10pm, and we took a bus back to Dhoby Gaut fortunately, where I trudged back home. Tired and full. And sore.

    Thursday: It was a horrendous day at work. Got a small scolding by my mentor for not printing the cover page of the materials that I had prepared for him, but to my defense I really didn’t know that it was for any formal use and that he needed the cover page there. Oh well. Then while attempting to re-print, something just screwed up in my laptop and a document jammed, causing me to not be able to print anything following that document at all. I was pacing to and from the Printing Room, trying to figure out what went wrong, but to no avail. I travelled down (ok fine it’s just a few levels down) to the Human Resources Printing Dept and asked for help, and I waited and waited and a personnel tried to help. She reconnected another printer to my laptop, did some configuration stuff and I was on my way back up to have attempt #2. She didn’t manage to resolve the first printer problem though. After trying and trying and wasting too much paper, I managed to get the document out and passed them to my mentor. The stuff were returned to me for highlighting and tagging and I was just super nua by then. What a day with too many strange complications. In the evening, I had dinner with a friend at Chomp Chomp, and then Mango Pomelo Sago at Dessert Bowl nearby till about 9+pm. Thankfully he drove me home and I crashed on the ground again till the next day. I hadn’t bathed yet. (EEW I KNOW) So I woke up this morning for a great T.G.I.F!!!!!

    Today: I have completely NOTHING to do at work. I am just sitting around reading bundles and textbooks, and more than occasionally looking at my own stuff. Checking my emails, finding things on eBay and Amazon, and just wondering what my next BakEdventures will be! (It’s my new term, a combination of “Bake” and “Adventures”) I’m intending to try a new kind of brownies and probably some cinnamon buns, so I’m gonna go grocery shopping later! (: Yay. Somehow baking makes me really pleased. Hahaha. (the guinea pigs of my food aren’t tho! BUT TOO BAD, heheheh.) I’m so glad that today would be the end of my first of two weeks at work (strange to be dying so easily, I know T.T) But I really feel like I’m not an office-bound kind of person, unsurprisingly. How am I going to survive the legal career I’m pursuing!!! ;S Dilemmas and confusions of an “adult” life.

    Wow. Ok so this is really an extremely long letter to you. Hope you made it to the end! I know you most definitely did and are smiling to yourself now hahahahah (: Please come back sooooon. Then we can go mountain climbing or whatnot wherever and whenever. Gimme your free dates soon!

    Love yaaaa,

    Valencia
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    #5 I MISS YOU RTF
    Tuesday, April 15, 2014 @ 7:35 PM

    HIII MY DEAR RTF!!!

    Nice communicating with you here again..! ;) Really glad to be hearing from you from vast number of platforms even though we're miles and miles apart... I'm even more thankful that you've remained safe and happy throughout your exchange and I'll continue praying that you'll stay this way - except even happier and enjoying life more!

    Just wanna let you know that I'm really grateful for you as a friend...; the photos you send me of the places you've been and the lovely sights you've seen, food you've tasted, things you've been through are really a source of joy for me. They're like my daily dose of bliss as I'm assured that you're having a blast overseas! I'm really sorry that at times I'm like MIA-ing, but be assured that I'm always reading all that you've sent me so painfully and meticulously from far far away - I really truly appreciate it..!

    Now that you're halfway through your journey I'm getting increasingly excited because that means it's time (although barely) to start counting down to your return!!! :D I'm so intrigued every single time we discuss about our summer plans - baking, cooking, feasting, trekking (perhaps HAHA) and just doing fun and piggish stuff together, just like ole' times... ;) I get reminded of how we just spent time together as great RTFs and chit-chat till the night comes, not realizing how fast time has just rolled by. Talking about ourselves, others, our loves, Arron, GEORGE WU, and that author who looks like Arron whom I just cannot remember his name right now!!! DDDD; Oh gawsh, how could I possibly... T.T But when you read this I'm sure you'll remind me first thing so no worries about that HAHAHA.

    Great to know also that you're growing and maturing through your exchange journey.....being even more independent and caring towards others and being even greater and more ideal a perfect wife-cum-homemaker-cum-mom that you already are..! hahaha. (Now you'll be cringing, but all these are true heheh!) I'm also always feeling extremely blessed that even though you're enjoying your solitude over on the other half of the globe you still find time to share with me your experiences and cheer me on as I march and trudge through this horrible period of my life.. haha. I really cannot wait till you get back....! I'm excited that you've agreed to bring me to your church heheh, and that you've been and you'll be walking with me in my exploration of God in future as well. Once your physical presence has landed in Singapore, we'll have so much to talk about face to face and that'll be just PLAIN AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL ^~^ Especially over all the nyamnyammmmm~~ (la nonna....kiseki.....yummmmm)

    Easter is finally comingggg~! I'll be going for an Easter Convention thingy by all Presbyterian churches in Singapore at Expo this coming Friday; afterward I'll be at a friend's church in the evening for her church's Easter event as well (I think it's FCBC(?)). So many Easter activities going on... I'm looking forward to the Easter bunnies and the eggies hahahahaha :X (I'm so superficial omg... ;( ) But yes, really looking forward to experience Easter from the lens of a Christian community. (: Wish you were here.

    Alrighty, I'll catch back with you at this space soon!! If you've read this go listen to "You Are My Vision" by Rend Collective Experiment (Cz's fav band at the moment) cus I'm playing it as I type to you heh. The tune is really nice (: I MISS YOU DEAR RTF!!! How I long for your return...

    But, as the old saying goes and stays true...

    Good things come to those who wait..., even more so for BEST THINGS (or PERSON!)~ <3 p="">
    Love youuu,
    Valencia
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    #4 Are you still reading, RTF? (:
    Friday, April 04, 2014 @ 9:16 PM

    HI RTFFFFF!

    No I haven't forgotten to update this space; It's just that I've been SWAMPED. >;( I know I say this every single time I type here but it really doesn't get any better... And trust me, sometimes trying to feel optimistic doesn't help to get by.. SIGH.

    Exams are approaching... And school is starting to feel even more depressing and nostalgic than ever. Just had my last batch lecture for EVER on Monday. It was basically the cohort's final lecture together as a complete batch because there won't be any more of such unifying academic sessions in the future anymore.. It's also extremely saddening that after this academic year, the Year 2 community would be broken down and fragmented, with some leaving for exchange programs, some taking different modules, others having varied timetables and schedules.. Nothing is going to be the same again. I guess that's a problem that you never had to deal with, because from the start it was a rather independent individualistic kind of learning environment. That's kind of sad as well.. & I guess I appreciate being able to have this 2 years of combined learning and fostering good friendships. So I count my blessings. For now, the imminent problem is still... WHY IS MY SYLLABUS SO DIFFICULT TO GRASP!? ))))):

    It's really great that you're over in the UK enjoying your life!! (: Don't get me wrong; I really am happy for you and I constantly feel that WOW you're finally living the life you truly deserve - after all these years and semesters of slogging your wits and might out, not only for your studies, but your friends and family. It's time you took a break and settle what you need for YOURSELF. Personal time, travel, leisure, luxury, and just a whole new environment to make up for all those lost moments. Importantly, I'm also glad that you do not have any examinations that you have to rack your brains and nerves about, and let the stress infect your body and guilt eat your soul every time you do something unproductive.. :S Modern day Singaporean student's life, that is. I would LOVVVVEEEE for you to fly back asap, but at the same time I feel conflicted knowing that you'll be coming home to this dog-eat-dog world T.T sighs. I guess I shouldn't portray this Lion City as such a bad place to live in...BUT that said, it definitely is a Lion's Den ): It's not a place that many can thrive in.. Recently I spotted 2 strands of white hair on my head.... These ageing woes are creeping up on me and I'm so worried.. Also, my pimples have been sprouting and my cellulite has been frowning ): I've caught this bad cough/sore throat condition thingy for the past two days as well. Everything seems to be going awry :S

    But I guess ultimately that's life. Living the ups and downs...day by day. And like every other semester, I just pray and hope that the semester will wrap up soon and end on a calm, good note. Only that this semester would be slightly different - MY RTF WILL BE COMING HOMEEE~~ And I can wait patiently in anticipation for that day to come where my buffet riots will begin~  HUMPH! (: Till then...., continue food hunting across the globe my friend! Grab me a tart every now and then and that's sufficient :B

    Lovesxz (:
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    #3 A Moz-zie (Must-See) Post to Rtf!
    Friday, March 07, 2014 @ 12:07 PM

    HIII RTF~~! ;D

    I'm so sorry I haven't been the utmost regular in updating this virtual letter to you... I can't even begin to emphasize how busy I've been, and things haven't been getting any better with the extraneous circumstances that I have to deal with..! >:( Can I even start ranting about the annoying mosquito(s) which has/have been biting me for the past four days!!!? I've gotten an utterly sore and swollen left arm, which is the most badly battled and battered part of my body that it/they has/have attacked, after the past few days of terrorization.. I've also got multiple bouts of headaches/migraines which have caused my head to just ache and groan in pain, and me to subsequently succumb to the weakness and intolerance that I just plop onto the table and sleep my day away.

    Last night I resorted to burning the mosquito coil and suffocating the room with the smell just to chase the deadly evil things away, hiding beneath layers of blankets just so they'd have less surface area to attack me at.. I remember two days ago they even bit me twice on my face, disfiguring me for a few hours. I was sooooo pisseddddd offffffff >:((((( So this morning I awoke, after a very very horrible night of sleep (or lack thereof) smelling like incense and smoke... but I guess that's the only real way for me to repel the annoying brats. I feel like I just stepped out of a temple and went to a hawker centre for a 5 hour meal... but SIGHS. There's really nothing I'd rather be than un-bitten.. TT.TT Now I've got countless red bumps and spots at different parts of my body and I feel like I just got measles or something.. I'm just so so insanely upset with these terrible existence..

    Then in a few days I've got Equity & Trusts mid-terms exams and I am like completely unprepared as of yet. I don't really know what to do with my life now. Sighs. I just need a one-month break from everything.. I feel like recess week has been nothing but busy with assignment, and I haven't gotten a single chance to catch up on anything or revise anything at all.

    That said, I am still extremely grateful to God for giving you the opportunity to have exchange at Leeds and travel all around the area..and for keeping you safe, healthy and happy thus far. I hope He will continue to be with you, and protect you from all the worldly dangers and mean and manipulative people.. Do look out for yourself too yeah!! HUMPH. The next time someone tries to rob anyone, YOU are going to be the one intercepting him and stopping him! Because not only are you not gonna be the one robbed, you are going to be alert enough to spot a robber miles away! Thankful for every single day you are safe and secure.., and for every single chance we get to chat on Skype or WA or however, whenever.... :'D Really glad we're really managing to keep in contact constantly.. It seems like you aren't that far away afterall. ;)

    Alrighty.. I'm gonna go for Alpha now! Wish me luck :X that I'll understand and accept things more readily, willingly and easily.... :D

    Loveeee,
    Valencia
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